Anyone who knows me, knows that I’m a magnet for situations that are crazy, bizarre, and downright embarrassing. It’s been this way all my life, and apparently it’s genetic because I inherited it from my mother. I swear the two of us could have a podcast with endless content.

So let’s just dive right into it. Below are just a few of my top cringe moments:

Most Embarrassing Date Ever

So I started seeing a cutie — we knew each other as friends for a while. We were frequently out together with the same people when we realized there was a lot of chemistry so he asked me out. We had two really great dates and this was our third.

He took me to a nice restaurant on a very busy Saturday night. He ordered a steak, and I ordered a pork chop. They bring out the BIGGEST piece of meat I’ve ever seen, so big that it’s on its own platter and they set it in front of me. I said “oh no, that’s his”, and pushed the plate across the table to him.

He laughed and pushed it back to me and said “this is your pork chop”. It was literally 40oz of meat and the size of my chest. I was horrified and we were both hysterically giggling — the waiter could go right to hell for not being like, hey girl, this is a really large dish you’re ordering and you’re about to look insane.

Anyways, we start eating and chatting, and had a great time. I was glad to be with a guy who could laugh these things off and accept the fact that I’m a total basket case. I eventually had to excuse myself to the restroom — in my head thinking sir, you’re about to get a perfect view of this cute little peach, in this cute little outfit, and you’re going to be blown away by how perfectly perfect I am.

I excused myself to get up. As I walked away from the table I stepped directly into a spill in my heeled boots and ice skated forward into the splits, and I was wearing a short skirt to boot.

I caught myself on the edge of a group’s table, clinging to it for dear life so that I didn’t actually go all the way down to the floor. I looked like Jack in Titanic holding onto the floating door, but in my case far more tragic. Simultaneously, a man at the next table so helpfully yelled out “CATCH THAT WOMAN!!!!” So as to grab every single person on our side of the restaurant’s attention. Everyone was staring at me.

I couldn’t turn to face my date because I was so beyond mortified. I got to my feet and profusely apologized to the table full of thoroughly shocked people looking at me like I was a lunatic. I quickly scurried to the bathroom where I stood for several minutes trying to recover.

I made it back to the table and my date was such a sweetheart. He tried to de-humiliate me and swore that he didn’t see it happen — yeah right. He got up to use the restroom himself and tried to make a joke about it to the Titanic table but they were clearly traumatized and didn’t find it amusing. I’m sure they will never go back to that place on my account.

This man is now my boyfriend so the story at least had a positive outcome, and yes, he goes out of his way to consistently remind me about it.

The Non-Fart

I was at the gym, it was a particularly sweaty session because LA Fitness seems to think running the heater when the temperature is below 60 degrees is necessary. I was on the leg press. I’d used this particular machine countless times before and was prepared for everything to go according to plan: put weights on, move them with my body, wipe down the machine (because I’m a decent and considerate human being), and then leave — it seems complicated but I’ve gotten the routine down over the years.

On the first repetition of a heavy press, my sweat-soaked back compressed against the sweat-soaked cushion and made an ungodly loud fart sound. Naturally, there was a man on the machine right next to me.

My heart rate tripled, my sweating increased, my face was a lovely shade of neon red. There was no way that this person did not hear it. I performed another rep in the hopes that the same sound would happen again, and any right-minded person would realize that there’s no way this adult woman just ripped two horrendous toots in a row and that it must, in fact, be a mechanical fluke.

Of course, the sound did not happen again and I went into full panic mode. I wanted to yell out “I DID NOT FART!” BUT in the off-chance that he actually didn’t hear it would make me look ten times as insane.

So I did the only thing there was to do, just silently finished my sets in humiliation, and quickly went to the other side of the gym without making eye contact with a single person.

Elevator Scare

Just a typical day at work. It was lunch time and I wanted to go to the cafe so I headed to the elevator. I mindlessly scrolled through Instagram as I waited for the world’s slowest elevator to arrive on my floor.

I heard the chime that my ride had arrived. I glanced up from my phone and saw the elevator was empty so my attention went back to my screen as I walked in. I got a tingly sensation that something wasn’t right and out of my periphery I noticed movement. I looked up to see a full grown man standing basically pressed up against the button bank (so that you couldn’t see him when initially entering the elevator). My heart stopped and without conciously knowing it I let out a horror movie scream.

The poor guy, who’s only crime was choosing an odd place to stand, was completely caught off guard by my scream and caused him to let out a yelp. I quickly apologized and tried to explain that I thought that elevator was empty. He seemed extremely uncomfortable for the remainder of the ride down to the first floor. I’ve never seen that man since.

Zoom Meeting Ballads

The day and age of Zoom calls, Google and Teams Meetings, and all of the embarrassing unmuted, caught-on-cam moments we all share. This is one of those. I worked as a news analyst at the time and when Covid took us out of our open office concept, and into our living rooms, we used a dial-in meeting to pitch stories and get feedback and approval.

News is fast-paced and doesn’t leave time for having to dial someone and hope they answer, especially when the team of analysts would have stories overlapping eachother and back-to-back. Therefore we stayed dialed in for an entire 8-hour shift to easily unmute ourselves, make our pitches, and push stories forward.

Finding stories was a mind numbing thrift through online content that came streaming in a million miles a minute. It always helped me to have music on to find a rhythm and stay focused. I had just made a pitch and didn’t realize I never re-muted my mic; it was hot… and so was I, on the song I was jamming out to. I was giving my singing chops their best shot.

The call was quiet so no one was making pitches. All of the sudden I hear my buddy Rob clear his throat awkwardly into the mic, “umm, hey Ali… your mic is on…”

Not to mention, they let me sing for a notable amount of time before letting me know. My body went numb. I apologized to everyone and muted myself while I died of humilitation. And for the record, no I am not a good singer.

Gym Clutz

When I’m at the gym, I do my best to keep my eyes down. I’m not there to socialize, I get in and I get out. I had a normal workout and was ready to get out of there, no fuss no muss. There was a group of guys blocking my path, they were circled around the it-girl of the gym — assuredly engrossed in conversation about quantum mechanics or multiverse theory.

In an annoyed hurry, I tried to squeeze by but my gym bag caught the edge of a large promotional poster that was propped up on a tripod. The entire thing came crashing down ontop of it-girl. Her fanclub started laughing and I immediately apologized while clumsily trying to pick up the world’s flimsiest tripod — it was like picking up wet noodles but with the sound effects of metal clanking on concrete. She gave me the glare, you know the one where you wish whatever you were looking at would spontaneously combust.

I apologized again and explained that my bag got caught. The gentlemen reaffirmed that it was an accident but she just continued to glare and didn’t say a word. As if I’d walk up and throw a giant poster on a complete stranger on purpose. I’d never been confronted with such a long staredown so I awkardly backed away and left. I wonder if she still sticks pins into my voodoo doll.

Hot Professor

I had the terrible misfortune of having an extremely attractive professor one semester. I mean, objectively and noticeably H.O.T. The girls in class would be in a tizzy everytime he came into the room. It’s incredibly distracting and unprofessional and someone with standing in academia needs to raise awareness to this issue. I fully support inclusion and diversity and believe that universties should exclusively employ less fortunate looking humans for the betterment of the hormone-crazed and sexually awakened student body.

Anyways.

I mentioned there was a hot professor.

I would never normally go out of my way to talk to a professor if I had a question, that’s what email is for. But the hotness level really upped the anty on face-to-face contact. I worked up the courage to wait after class to shoot my shot (on the question). Out of anxiousness, I decided to eat a protein bar to settle my stomach and nerves.

Class was over and it was my time to shine baby. I walked right up in front of the gaggle of girls, and asked whatever benign question I had. He was engaging and informative. I smiled and thanked him for his time.

It was my last class of the day so I headed to my car thinking over every tiny detail of how he smiled, how his eyelashes were thick and long, how his shirt pulled against his muscles, and how tingly it made me feel. I threw my bag in my car and sat for a moment soaking it in. I was sure that he was in love with me and my brilliant inquisitive mind.

I pulled down my visor and peaked in the mirror. My jaw dropped open and my stomach fell out of my ass. There was a giant smear of chocolate across my cheek, in a place that was no where even NEAR MY MOUTH. It looked like I tried to contour with a Snickers bar. Like, how did my protein bar even make contact with that portion of my face and me not notice???

I wanted to die a cold, brutal, and miserable death. Stupid, stupid girl, how could you not do a mirror check before such an important and pivotal moment in your life?

I had sleepless nights for several months following.

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There are countless more embarrassing stories that I’ve blocked from my memory. Hopefully you find amusement at the things that still wake me at 3:00 am. Please feel free to drop some of your best cringe moments in the comments. As always, thanks for reading and love you lots! xoxo